Let’s get real! (Part 1/3)


“I hope your cage is nice and snug, because you’ll be spending the next six months in there!” We all know the stories. Tales and captions of mega-dominatrix women locking their men in chastity for weeks, months and days on end. For some, it may be true. As kinks progress, we find ourselves wanting more and pushing our boundaries. For most of us mortals, however, they’re (mostly male) fantasies we love to get lost in.

When Lara and I first started playing with chastity, I couldn’t help but think of those stories. Being left denied for weeks at a time, with no end in sight sounded like a dream come true. We started with a few hours, usually on the weekend. Eventually, I asked to be left caged overnight. Our sex life drastically escalated from a couple of times a month to several times a week, if not daily. Each chance I got, I begged for her to deny me longer and harder, always asking her to be “mean” to me.


Each week I wanted to try something new – ruined orgasms, longer denial, post orgasm torture, even our first attempt at pegging. Within the first few months, we ploughed through my massive “to-do” list, spurred on by an endless stream of Tumblr posts. At our peak, I went almost an entire month without orgasm. During that time, the longest lock-up period was a week, using a kitchen safe. During all this time however, it was all “me, me ,me!” Although the spirit of chastity, tease and denial lends itself to the woman being in charge, it’s often the male “sub” who introduces the idea and pushes for it.

What many men don’t realize about the popular depiction of femdom is that it’s still all very male-centric. No matter how you spin it, whether it’s pleasure or pain, it’s all being inflicted on a (usually) faceless man by a “cold, dominating bitch.” When we try to bring in these elements into a normal relationship, there’s very little for our loving female partners to find appealing. Often, they simply do it to indulge us. However, there is a very bright light at the end of the tunnel! What I advise does not apply to everyone. It definitely doesn’t follow the typical femdom fantasy roles, but it’s what Lara and I have found works best for us.


Enjoy yourself! Any strong relationship depends on keeping both yourself and your partner happy. Instead of playing the role of helpless sub and expecting your partner to be a strict unrelenting force of nature, just be true to your desires. If you enjoy being denied, smile and thank your lover when she says “not today.” You’re climbing up the walls desperate to cum? Don’t beg for release, but instead thank them for teasing you thus far.

It’s very confusing for your partner to understand that “no” means “more, please!” Unless you are both very seasoned kinksters, it’s very hard at the beginning to understand that your partner wants to push their boundaries further when all their reactions are negative. Pleading for mercy, asking to be unlocked from chastity or begging to cum (only to be denied) are all part of our fantasy scenarios, but it can all be very confusing in the heat of the moment! As you gain more experience, this may change and you’ll find that you can play the roles you want. However, at the beginning, it’s very important that you communicate clearly what you really want.

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