Brooklyn 99 And A Huge Dick


I have a 12 inch dick when soft and a 20 inch dick when erect. You want some? —Anon

So, your dick hangs somewhere around your calves? How gullible do you think I am? The longest penis on record is 18.9" – but that’s mostly just a weirdly stretched foreskin, not a real proper dick. I doubt that a hypothetical 12" dick could become erect at all: there’s only so many blood in a man’s body to go around.

And what does “you want some” mean? Do I want to cut off a piece from your endless dick and cook it with some Szechuan sauce? Do I want to lock it in the largest chastity cage ever built? Do I want to fall down on my knees and worship your monstrous appendage like an ancient fertility deity? The answer, by the way, is no, no and no. I have no interest in your fictitious dick whatsoever.

Otherwise, how would I even contact you? Considering that you’ve sent me your question anonymously. Almost a bit like a coward who lies about his penis size.

Speaking of anonymously, I currently have a backlog of two dozen anonymous requests. It could take a while until I come around to do any of them, since I only process them when I’m not spending time on work, family or friends, my own caption ideas, other hobbies or non-anonymous requests.

Like, for example, this one:

Could you do some permanent chastity captions with the ladies from Brooklyn 9-9? —maesterprimer

Sure. I don’t know this series, but since they are all incredibly sexy, writing some captions for them is no problem at all.

She’s a phenomenal woman. When she asks you to wear a chastity cage, you better obey her. And when she makes your chastity permanent, you thank her for her strict guidance.

We decided to share you, as our collective slave. And since it would be very awkward which one of us gets to decide when to open your chastity cage, we also decided to make your chastity permanent.

Yep. The knowledge that your man is secured in a chastity cage really does make your skin look smoother.

I have no idea where the key of your chastity cage is. Why am I always your first suspect?

I’m aware that with your dick cage, you’re probably the butt of the jokes of all the other inmates. Good.

Sure, I could unlock your chastity cage. But then it wouldn’t be “permanent chastity” any more.

Kiss my boots, slave. No, I won’t unlock your chastity cage if you obey me. Your chastity is permanent, but you will obey me anyway.

Quick, the suspect has stolen the key of his cock cage. Now it’s a matter of seconds before he unlocks himself, starts to wank and breaks his permanent chastity.

You would give me the key of your cock cage? Even if it could mean permanent chastity? Are you absolutely sure?

You gave me the key of your cock cage. And I decided that you will never cum again. Now you have to live with it.

I’ll unlock your chastity cage in seven hundred years from now. Hey, maybe you’re lucky, and a technological singularity will increase our life expectancy dramatically, and you’ll still live to see the day.

Since I have two slaves, I could turn one of them into a sissy slut and make his chastity permanent. I could occasionally unlock my other slave’s chastity cage and reward him by allowing him to fuck my sissy-slut-slave. But how do I decide which slave becomes the sissy?

I know I promised you I’d unlock you this weekend, but I’m somehow in the mood for hour-long cunnilingus sessions. Would you mind if instead of sex, you go down on me, and I replace the lock on your chastity cage with a permanent rivet?

I have to hurry, I don’t want to be late for my date. I’d stay home and have sex with you, but unfortunately, I permanently closed the lock on your dick cage, because I’m a mean sadist.

I have a feeling that this party will turn into a full-on orgy later this evening, with lots and lots of indiscriminate sex. Too bad that you’re wearing a chastity cage. Forever.

So, you’re not sure if you should give me the key of your chastity cage. You’re afraid I might keep you chaste forever. I understand.

Sorry that I put you in a chastity cage while you were asleep, but your indecision forced my hand. Oh, and your fears were totally justified: I’m going to keep you locked forever.

I made a new law that your penis is illegal, and I’m arresting your penis and will put it in a chastity cage, and I condemn it to a life sentence.

You stir up some dark desire in me, I want to lock you in a chastity cage and keep you horny and desperate and begging and pleading and crying and frustrated forever and ever.

Always walk two steps behind me, never start a conversation with any of the other guests. Always remember, you are just a slave, I will never unlock your chastity cage, you will never be an equal.

I’m sure you’ve heard a lot of horrible stories about me. That I talked boys into wearing chastity cages, and then threw away their keys. Are you scared? Are you brave enough to rub my back?

…and then he grabbed me with his manly arms and pushed me against the wall and forced his hard, hot manhood deep inside me, his beautiful wild penis, not permanently locked in a steel chastity cage, very much unlike yours…

White and black are the traditional colors for a bride like me: white because the bride will always keep here innocence and purity (if we ignore the constant pussy-licking), and black as a sign of mourning for the fate of the groom, who will have to wear his chastity cage for the rest of his life and never experience the pleasure of an orgasm again.

Say, could you imagine a relationship where you never get to cum again, but focus all your energy on pleasing your partner?

No really, why would we unlock your chastity cage just so you can jerk off? That’s gross.

Did this bitch just pour superglue into the lock of my man’s chastity cage?

So, she put superglue into your lock, and I put superglue into his lock, and now you’re both trapped inside your chastity cages forever. But the good news is that we forgave each other, and now we’re best friends again.

Well wow, Brooklyn 99 Chastity captions, I didn’t expect that!

Leave a Reply