Every relationship has its own dynamics, and no advice is ever universal. Lara and I are both switchy. What works for us, may not work for others, but I still hope that our advice can help out other couples. We keep our kinky play light hearted. Even if earlier in the day she might be ruining my orgasms or slapping my junk around, we still make sure that we end the night cuddling up together, laughing at the latest episode of our favourite cartoons and shows. The most important advice we have is to always communicate with each other. Make sure you’re clear about what you want, what you enjoy and what you dislike.
Things don’t always go according to plan. Sometimes we might plan to do a tease and denial session during the weekend, or plan have me locked up for the week and life/stress/etc comes up. You need to make a decision when the seas get rough. Sometimes, it may be best to put your kink play off to the side, and focus on any problems you may have. Other times, it’s better to weather the storm – remain denied or locked in chastity, agreeing to prolong the session. It all comes down to what’s important to you. If your partner isn’t in the mood for kink play, you have two options:
1. Agree to stop playing for now until a later time. This means no more chastity cage, no more denial, but you are free to do as you wish. Masturbate on your own, watch porn, etc. You’re able to “take matters into your own hands” and allow your partner rest. This may not exactly fit your long-term goals or your fantasies, but it’s sometimes the best option to take.
2. Agree to continue kink play, BUT – and this is the important part – do NOT ask anything from your partner until they’re done. This option is much harder to practice, but it does fit the bill for long-term play. In this case, you agree to not make a peep about how denied or horny you are. This can get very hard, since the longer you go denied, the hornier you get. If long term goals are important to you, there will come a time where you might have to wait patiently. It will take a lot of self control to prevent yourself from pestering your partner or seeking your own release, but for some of us – it’s worth the wait.
Tease and denial can get tiring, especially for the dominant in charge. There’s a lot of upkeep involved in teasing your partner for days on end. Agreeing to go for weeks or even months at a time is MUCH more demanding for the dominant – the teasee just has to sit back and enjoy the pleasure & pain. Meanwhile, the teaser has to constantly flirt, touch, grab and otherwise pay attention to the needs of their “pet.” For as demanding we may want to believe denial or chastity may be to those of us on the receiving end, we need to give more credit to those indulging us.
As an alternative, there are ways to relieve some of the effort from the teaser. One task Lara and I have come to enjoy are setting me up to play “Cock Hero.” These are porn video compilations set to music, usually with several levels of difficulty. She picks the video out for me while I do the work. I can stroke and edge as much as I like, all while playing along as if it’s all her idea. Meanwhile, all she might have to do is walk by once in a while, give me a few strokes and be off on her way. This relieves her of the work involved in keeping me teased, while remaining fun and challenging for myself! I end up all teased and horny while she has a fun show to watch.
In the end, tease and denial is one of many fetishes/kinks that a couple can enjoy together. There’s no reason to beat around the bush – the person getting denied enjoys it, otherwise they would never agree (or, in most cases, suggest) to be teased for days on end. Communication is key in learning what each person is getting out of it. Why does denial feel good? How long should it last? What does the teaser get out of it – their lover’s moans? Fulfilling fantasies or maybe they have their own hint of sadism they can explore? Whatever it may be, whether it’s tease and denial or any other kink, communication is key. Once we all admit that we’re just trying to reach a new high or make our partners feel fucking amazing, we can move on to answering these other questions together.
Keep an open mind and communicate clearly with your lovers. You’ll be guaranteed winners by the end!
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Full set of posts:
Third in a set of posts from the lovely @willfullydenied, I’m posting them backwards so that they read forwards later, clever huh!