Fear and Control: It’s Not What You Think
I often get messages from people who are, in different ways, ashamed or embarrassed or unsure about how their partner might react to their interest in kink. I’m not singling out anyone in particular – just speaking generally – but some of these messages skirt themes of influence and control, rooted in a fear of rejection.
It is common and natural for us to avoid the pain of rejection by seeking situations where we can influence or control the outcome. We may do this consciously (“How do I introduce my partner to XYZ kink in a way that makes it more appealing / less intimidating…”) or subconsciously (”I’m afraid to be sexual with my new partner, because XYZ…”). I get these messages all the time, and although this blog has been quiet for a long time, I still check-in and answer private messages periodically. Believe it or not, we’re still here! (More on that, later!)
But a recent message prompted me to write a longer-than-usual response. This goes out to more than just the one person who messaged me. This is for everyone…
Love is a Choice, Freely Made
Only you can hear the thoughts in your head. To everyone else, you’re just a person like them. And to someone who loves you, you are already special. Exceptional. And worthy of love.
One of the best things about love is that we each get to decide, all by ourselves, who we love. You cannot force someone else to love you – that much is already obvious to all of us. Some people find that fact saddening. But it’s not a sad thing. It’s an empowering thing. Because it means that when someone loves you, it’s not because of something you did or something you are. It’s not because you checked the box on some “requirement” like “tall” or “makes lots of money” or “has a big dick.” It’s because they chose to love you.
Why?… Who cares!! Leave their reasons to them. Be confident and reassured by it. Feel good about it. And stop looking for ways to control their choice.
The bitter “nice guy” tries to control his partner’s choice by demanding love in exchange for checking certain boxes. "I did X, Y, and Z for you… That means you should love me, because I put in the work!“ – NOPE. It doesn’t work like that.
And on the flipside, the insecure man tries to control his partner’s choice by finding excuses to be unlovable. ”I have A, B, C thoughts, and I like it when you X, Y, Z, and it’s depraved and disgusting… That means you shouldn’t love me. Here, let me save you trouble, by withdrawing and closing myself off from you, and eventually, passively pushing you away from me…“ NO! Don’t do that!
Think about how (for lack of a better word) rude that is… Taking your partner’s choice away from them. Making her choice for her (or his choice for him). You do the same thing when you keep your true desires a secret, because you’re afraid your partner will reject you. NO! Let your partner choose.
Nothing you say or do can force someone to love you; and although it may be scary to be loved by someone, let it empower you to know their choice was freely made. Let every moment of love reaffirm your sense of self-worth. Focus on loving this person who loves you, and on loving yourself – being yourself and pursuing your own interests and passions, no matter what they are.
Giant nerd? Good for you!
Read trashy romance novels? Good for you!
Passionate about sports? Good for you!
Want to get edged and pegged? GOOD FOR YOU!
It’s a sex-fantasy cliche, but think about the trope of the quiet, shy librarian with a sex dungeon in her basement. Think about things from her perspective for a moment. Think about the pressure society places on her, to embody the librarian (the way society sees her) and to suppress all facets of her personality that are inconsistent with that image. Think about the resolve and commitment that it required for her to overcome that pressure and be honest about herself. Think about the risk she perceived, before making that choice. Yet do any of us judge and reject her for her choice? I daresay no – We cheer her for it! We say, “You go girl! Get on with your bad self!”
Now think about all the shy people, like her, who weighed the same risk and decided to keep their desires a secret forever. And how unfortunate that is.
Love is not a prize for meeting a quota of backrubs or compliments, or for having a certain size dick, or for being “normal” and suppressing your kinks. Her love is not your achievement – it is her choice. And vice versa, for his love. So stop sweating it. Stop worrying about it. Let it empower you. Be honest, be yourself, carry on, let your partner love you, and when they love you, love them back.
Quick Update On Us…
This blog has been quiet for a long time, but we’re still here!
We moved from sunny California to rural Italy, and it wasn’t easy. Settling into our new home was exciting and challenging. We’re both total internet-addicts, but we were without broadband for a long time. (Ouch!…) We also started some major projects that hopefully we can share with you soon!
But enough about us. Thank you for the messages of support! It’s still busy here, but I do check the mail, and hopefully more content is coming soon. This #journal entry is a perfect example… Your messages and questions are often the best writing prompts, so please keep them coming!
Arrivederci for now!
Wonderful to see these guys posting again!
And wow, rural Italy! Amazing!