Always a Surprise Ending

I received this question, which (I think) gets to the very heart of tease and denial:

Q: When edging every night, do you let him cum at the end of the night, or only when you feel like it?  What’s the correct way?

It’s a basic question, but a great one!

My answer:

Definitely not!  It’s sexier and more fun for me when he truly doesn’t know if I’m going to make him cum, all the way down to the last possible second.  His uncertainty, never knowing when his next orgasm will be, is absolutely essential to the tease and denial experience, imho.

Think of it this way: let’s compare different “mental spaces.”  Imagine his mental space if you say, up front, before you start playing, “I’m going to give you a wonderful orgasm tonight, my love!”  And then you do.  No matter how much you tease him or how many times you edge him, he knows that sweet relief is just a few minutes (perhaps an hour) away.  That’s probably a nice, comforting feeling for him.  It allows him to embrace the pleasure of sex; to relax and let things happen naturally.  It softens the edges, perhaps.  It keeps the mood light and playful.  Not bad!

Now imagine his mental space if you say, up front, “We’re going to play, and it might be tough, but you will not cum tonight!  Only me.  Understood?”  That’s ominous.  Sexy, but ominous.  He probably feels a hint of fear; his heart skips; adrenaline starts pumping.  He knows that tonight is about you, and he should focus on your pleasure.  He wonders what you have planned and how hard it’s going to be for him to get through it without cumming.  Paradoxically, all these sexy thoughts probably make it harder for him to control his orgasm.  But he knows, up front, that no matter what happens, you’re not going to let him reach climax.  And so there’s probably a twinge of disappointment mixed in there, too.  And he’s probably going to spend most of the night silently suppressing the instinctive electric pleasure crackling down his spine, because he knows it leads somewhere he’s not allowed to go.  If his sexual pleasure was a nice wine, he will be carefully sipping it, nursing a single glass all night long, for fear of finishing too soon.  That’s fun and sexy, in its own way, of course!  But it’s distinctly different from the first example.

And last, imagine his mental space if he truly doesn’t know his fate.  You might make him cum – you might not.  You might edge him – you might ruin him.  You’re not going to tell him, and there’s no way for him to know until it’s too late.  All he knows is that you are going to get exactly what you need from him, you both are going to have fun together, and you’re willing and able to do anything to him, anytime.  Edge, deny, ruin, climax?… Mix-and-match?… Once, twice, six times?… Anything can happen!

Imho, that’s the best of both worlds.  It puts him in the best combination of the first two mental spaces.  He feels that same fear of denial, that same adrenaline rush.  He dedicates himself to your pleasure and focuses on your needs.  But he also relaxes and allows his own heat to rise.  In fact, with hope of orgasm on the horizon, he has permission to swim in the rising tide; he can let it crash through him in waves, sweeping him higher and higher.  He gets the full joy of the experience – right up to the “moment of truth.”  And that precious moment becomes infinitely more powerful as he teeters on that edge – his most primal instinct literally in your hands – not knowing what you intend to do.  To the male mind in that moment, not-knowing is more erotic and euphoric than knowing, either way.

That is the experience you worked to create.  Not the orgasm itself – but that sensation of teetering on the peak; the risk of it; the vulnerability; that wild moment before the dice fall, when everything is on the line.  Whether you let go, ruin him, or edge him some more… that’s just a bonus.  The moment of uncertainty is the most important part.

This only works, though, if you prove, by your actions, that you’re willing to edge, deny, and/or ruin him.  You have to actually do it.  A lot!

Similarly, you have to let him cum sometimes, to keep that seed of hope alive for next time.  But it works best if those times are few and far between.

Pavlov studied this. (you know… the guy with the dog…) Terribly paraphrased, he concluded that once a response to a reward is conditioned, the best way to reinforce the conditioning is to give the reward sparingly, in intermittent, utterly unpredictable doses.  Key words: sparingly and unpredictable!  He rang a bell, gave the dog a treat, and the dog salivated.  Eventually, he rang the bell, didn’t give the dog a treat, and the dog salivated anyway.  He reinforced and maintained the dog’s conditioning by giving treats less and less frequently, following no pattern, at unpredictable intervals.  He might ring the bell ten times in a row without giving a treat.  Or he might give treats three times in a row.  A lot more “bells” than “treats,” but other than that, totally unpredictable.  That worked better than following a predictable pattern, because the dog could learn the pattern.

And in my personal experience, with my loving, patient husband, that’s what works best for us.  Sparingly: A lot more bells than treats.  That means: a lot of edges; a lot of denial; a few ruined orgasms here and there; some prostate milking; and the occasional, unpredictable full orgasm.  Best guess…?  Lately, when we’re playing… maybe one “O” every 10 days or so-?  But really, it’s all over the place.  It could be twice in one morning, on a rainy holiday (ahem…).  You never know!  And that’s the point!

But every relationship is different, so there is no universal “correct” way to play.  The only thing that’s right is whatever works for you!  The key is to have fun!

Always a reblog with these guys!

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