Oh I love this! I WISH we’d known about all this in the run up to us getting married, it would have been so great! We also practised abstinence until honeymoon, which was great, but very hard. But looking back it was great in terms of we took our time to explore lots of aspects of sex besides penetration, so I’m glad we did it.
However, the hardest bit was the constant temptation to go further which we were always worrying about, and chastity would have really helped with that. I’ve got my hubby’s input on this too so I hope it’s helpful for you both!
So firstly, you have to decide what’s okay for you and what isn’t. There may well be other lines you don’t want to cross, maybe neither of you cumming at all for instance. That would be very hard though, so I’m going to set it at the level we did, which was oral and handjobs allowed, but no intercourse.
Why this? Well if you’re committed to being married then you’re well on the path to that ultimate intimacy, and so hand jobs and blow jobs are the next step on that path. Sure you can save it for the honeymoon but, you’ve got actual fucking to look forward to then! Enjoy these other bits first as you discover how to pleasure each other.
So the chief advantage of chastity play is giving you both the opportunity to enjoy exploring your sexual relationship while removing the temptation of actual intercourse so you can save that for marriage. Very sexy in my opinion!
Let’s even give this a name, I’m going to call it ‘Abstinence Plus’
So some rules:
- Whenever you’re going to be sexually intimate, he either needs to have his cock caged, or be restrained.
So this is the fundamental way you can enjoy sexual exploration while removing much of the temptation to have actual sex. If you’re going to have intimate time together the cage goes on beforehand. And if you discover you both get turned on by him being caged it could stay on for longer too.
The restraints is to continue this removal of temptation. You still want opportunities to play with his cock, so you are able to take the cage off, but he has to be tied down before you take it off, and it goes back on before he’s untied. You could adapt this so that if you’ve made him cum he can be untied as he’ll be way less horny, but… remembering how horny my husband was when we were younger, I’d not risk that and put it back on him before you untie him if you want to be completely sure. It’s also way hotter.
- You are only allowed to be made to cum by the other person
You want to learn to have your sexual focus and energy on the other person, that’s what makes for great sex throughout your life. So start with that now. He can only cum at your hands (while tied up if you take the previous suggestion) and she can only be made to cum by him. Now if it’s long distance that could be adjusted that you only cum with the other person’s permission, but keep that to a minimum.
You could also set limits on this, once a week maximum etc. You need to make some space for romance and non-sexual time too!
The exception to this is if she isn’t very orgasmic yet then she should work on that first and get good at orgasming!
- She is to try female orgasm denial by edging at least daily in between times together
This isn’t just about him, it’s also a very important time for her to be discovering how her body works and getting to grips with her own sexuality. The best way to do this, in my opinion and experience, is female orgasm denial (google it for some great resources).
For most men sex and masturbation has always been literally stuck in front of them, and so they’ve learnt to play and figure out what feels good from an early age. While that’s true for some women for others they are far more reserved about masturbation and self-exploration. So using edging and denial on her to get her horny, get her thinking about sex and fantasising, building her own sexual energy so she’s not in a passive state of mind when it comes to sex is vital in my experience.
So yes, this is her, masturbating but NOT CUMMING without him, or his permission. Again, very sexy for you both – look it up, get into it!
- Consider keeping him caged for longer periods
Why? Because it’s hot! Guys struggle far more with not masturbating than girls tend to, so if that’s a problem area for him, or simply if the idea of him only getting to his cock with her present is a turn on, try extended caging while you are apart, so he only gets unlocked in those special times together. But don’t do this all the time, just occasionally. You want to be using chastity and caging as a tool, not for it to become the ultimate objective or focus for you at the moment (save that for when you’re older).
Also he’ll tend to stay horny when caged whereas I found unless I edged as suggested in the previous point, I was less horny. So him caged and you edging will hopefully give you a more equal level of arousal to enjoy when you’re together.
- Learn to turn each other on
For him this probably means being motivated to be more romantic, to find the words to get you feeling sexy and good about yourself, challenge him to do things you like, maybe write you little notes, poems even, they don’t have to be his – but reward him with unlocking and occasionally orgasms when he does well. Caging his cock will force him to work on the non sexual parts of the relationship which most of us women find such a turn on.
Teach him how all the romantic, manly, protective things he can do to you get you so fucking wet for him! Also, if he’s not in shape use all this to encourage him to be working out and getting in great condition – sex is HARD WORK! Seriously, if you want to make the most of it then you’ll both want to be fit, flexible and in great shape.
Work on him lasting in bed – only an issue for some guys and reduced masturbation may help, but in your play time together work on him being able to last for as long as you can. I’m not an expert on this but Im’ sure there’s good advice out there
For her, well you get to be what every guy dreams of – the virgin slut! Not A slut, HIS slut – a world of difference. Use this amazing time to figure out what turns him on. Let your edging lower your inhibitions, work on fantasising if you don’t already – just as important as getting fit physically is getting your mind in a place where you’re open to try things, and excited and creative about sex. So use tumblr to explore different kinks, have fun turning him on telling him your fantasies (and make him do the same).
Train your pussy – for the love of God don’t be all prissy about not putting anything in your vagina before his cock goes in there. If you don’t understand how hymens work, LEARN. In my strong opinion they don’t matter at all, and you should have got a nice slim dildo and have learnt to LOVE having your pussy fucked so you’re ready and excited for your wedding night and honeymoon. It’s fine to differ on that but it’s what I think and did. Nowadays I’d advise getting a suction cup dildo like this one and using it to train yourself, to fuck it on all fours, to bounce on it as well as use it with your hand – literally train yourself to be amazing at fucking, can you think of anything hotter than doing all that preparing for marriage? So great!
To give you more examples from us, for me for me the key things I had to work on were:
Getting more confident with make up to just enhance my looks in ways he loved – nothing crazy but learning how to do the basics well.
Getting more confident wearing sexy clothes for him, and finding a compromise on what I’d also wear on dates – he loved showing me off, and i learnt to love that too. This is also about working on feminine looks and wearing more dresses and skirts – what you guys like may vary but it’s what my husband to be liked so I learnt to love it too.
Wearing heels – I know, it hurts, it’s hard, but OMG they make your legs and ass look amazing and well, just ask him if likes you wearing heels and watch his reaction. Learn to wear heels, learn to love wearing heels if you can, they make you look sexy and turn him on. Some pain is worth it!
Surprisng him – don’t put it all out there, secretly train yourself to be kinkier and sluttier than you let on – so that when do get married you will get that wonderful satisfaction of him amazed at just how sexy his wife is. For me that was getting into submission and exploring that with him, but it’ll vary for everyone. I also secretly trained myself to deepthroat with a dildo but pretended I couldn’t so that blew his mind on honeymoon!
All this is a bit of a cliche I know but its’ a cliche because it’s the stuff that turns guys on! Obviously figure out what works for him but you can’t go wrong with working on how to look and act sexily! Plus it’s SO MUCH FUN!
Learn to make that extra effort, both of you, because that’s the habit that will keep your marriage and sex life fresh and the envy of everyone you know. Let all the horniness from the denial and caging help you be more open with each other, to talk lots about sex and what you are looking forward to.
A few final suggestions
Watch a bit of porn together but not too much – and also limit it when you’re not together – it’s full of ridiculous sex and sets totally unrealistic expectations but watching it together can be sexy and educational. Erotica is better, and things like captioned images on tumblr are good too as they get your mind working imo.
Throw away your cheap underwear (mostly for her, but he should ditch ugly underpants too!) and swear only ever to wear nice lingerie (or sports stuff for exercise) – make sure you get a bra properly fitted/ This is NOT just about him, it’s about how it makes you feel – surprisingly important and some of the best advice my best friend ever gave me.
Start a secret shared tumblr account – more on this blog and coming soon to Locktober
Save anal sex for later – yep this is just a suggestion but you will have so much to try once you’re married, anal sex can be a bit of a distraction as the woman isn’t sure about it but guys can get obsessed with it. So… my kinky suggestion is this, save your anal virginity for your first anniversary! I can’t think of a more perfect way to celebrate! And yes I speak as someone who was hesitant but learnt to love anal sex (but you’ve got to prepare, and do it right!). Oh and if you keep up with the caging into marriage, I expect his anal virginity will be on the table too – go pegging!
Having said all that, maybe stop chastity play for a while once you’re wed
Yep I know, who can believe we’re saying that but you need to review this one seriously, although be free to ignore it. I would have loved chastity play during our engagement, but I think it would have been a distraction in our first year or two of marriage, at least. There is so much other wonderful sex stuff to explore, limiting it with chastity might be overkill…
Now, you may both find you LOVE it so much you want to continue and use it and great, if that’s what you want, go for it. But for me the fantasies about having him caged on honeymoon etc are best left as fantasies. There’s a big reason most people get into chastity play later in their relationships and that is because it’s such a perfect way to invigorate sex lives and build greater intimacy in a relationship. As newly weds you just don’t need that. So my recommendation is you take a break from it for a while and then see how you feel.
Remember a successful marriage is about way more than just amazing sex – but it’s a brilliant and important foundation. Take the time to be romantic, to talk, lots, to build that lifelong friendship that adding sex to will be amazing icing on the cake! And have fun, a lot with it, or you’re doing it wrong!
I hope that helps! Loved this question as you can see and please feel free to ask us more on thoughts about this stuff or feedback on these ideas! Also if you want more specific advice what you don’t want to post here publicly we’d be happy to help on email – firstname.lastname@example.org